Breaking news!

Mexican kidnappers not satisfied with kidnapping kids - kidnap anti-kidnap expert instead.

Columbo star Peter Falk diagnosed with Alzheimer's, starting to act just like Columbo.

Somali pirates claim "We were just looking for a bottle of rum. Yo ho ho."

Federal Reserve turns out to be a real cut-rate organization.

Dubai reveals dubious plans for refrigerated beach. "No more need to pack coolers full of beer. Just stick them in the sand and they are cooled from the bottom up."

Security hole found in Microsoft Internet Explorer. "It's right next to the 41,945,287 other holes, so it was easy to miss that one." says software expert.

White House: No hard feelings toward Iraq shoe thrower. "He missed my head, and I got a nice pair of Armani shoes out of the deal." said President Bush.

Good morning and welcome to Not Necessarily the News: If it's news to you, well that's news to me!

Our top story today: Santa Claus gets $115 parking ticket while making a delivery - calls traffic cop a "Ho ho ho!"

Shady Minnesota senator funnels funds into defense of allegations he was funnelling funds.

New York to tax everything. "4 cents a breath isn't all that much to pay to keep breathing is it?" says NY Gov.

Houston man makes large ATM withdrawal - with a fork lift.

Mexican lawmakers brawl, not wanting to be outdone by the Greeks.

Britain's Brown to pull out of Bush's black Iraq hole by May.

SEC chairman says "Madoff? Who's Madoff?"

Critics of Russian government to be labeled as traitors. World leaders shocked and awed.

Chinese ship avoids capture by Somali pirates. A billion chinese crewmen apparently too many to overcome.

Microsoft releases patch kit for Internet Explorer. PC users having some trouble with the rubber cement tubes.

Today's Weather: Periods of lightness follow periods of darkness, which again follow the periods of lightness until dark.

Sports: Overweight, overpaid guys complain about excessive weight training and low pay.

9:00 addendum: Steve Jobs health failing, quips "I should have had an apple a day."

Results of 5 year, multi-million dollar study: Obese people tend to eat more, exercise less. Human baviorist says "This is a major breakthrough!"

Alleged Mafia boss allegedly hangs self in jail after allegedly being presented with new necktie, Italian police allegedly say.

NNtN Noon Edition: Why not spoil your lunch?

OPEC cutting oil production by millions of barrels per day so they can continue to make billions of dollars per day.

Crooked Illinois Governer accuses crooked Illinois impeachment panel of being crooked; "They should quit first!"

NY thinking of putting another Kennedy in the Senate, because Ted is, you know, getting old and tumorous.

Microsoft getting slap on hand for releasing known faulty X-Box product. After reviewing their record on releasing faulty software, no one is really surprised.

Unrealistic romantic comedies to blame for unrealistic expectations in unrealistic relationships between unrealistic people.

Sports: Patriots may miss playoffs because other teams are better. "But there are teams that are worse too!" Belichick whined.

And if that wasn't bad enough......

Granddaughter of world's richest man forced to survive on paltry $40,000/year! The horror! Wait....... I make $40,000 a year.

Company of murderers to be kicked out of country where they commited murders..... Ya think?

Study shows heat to be #1 natural hazard killer in the U.S., just ahead of cold. And we've had air conditioners and furnaces for how long?

Boy's basketball team says girls should be allowed to play too. "They're lots of fun to hang out with in the locker room." says a teammate.

Bush says without a doubt, other than that one little lapse in September 2001, he has kept the country safe.

Not Necessarily the News: Because you asked for it, and you'll believe anything!

Europe fears a Gaza Spill. Could be harder to clean up than Exxon-Valdez.

Fed experts say woeful economy to stir economic woes. Whoa!

Defeated Minnesota senator in denial of defeat, vows to defeat his defeater in a great defeat of denial.

Study: Diet plays big role in weight loss.

Gas prices to go up for awhile, hold steady for a little bit, drop and climb, probably do a little jig around May and then drop again sometime in October. Or not.

Crooked senate appointee appointed by crooked governor complains of crooked senate secretaries not appointing his crooked a$$. Film at 11.

NFL quarterback wants to be the next Dolly Parton, loading up on estrogen and planning breast implant surgery in the off season.

Study: People suffering from depression tend to be more depressed.

Astronomers now saying our galaxy seems to be different than however we used to think we thought it was.

Sports: Some overpaid athlete got his panties in a wad over not being overpaid enough.

Weather: It's bloody cold out there! (Unless you happen to be south of the equator, in which case: It's bloody hot out there!)

Not Necessarily the News: If you heard it here first, you really need to get out more.

Israel open to conditional ceasefire on the condition that their adversaries be reconditioned to be more conducive to more conditioning.

Hamas also open to conditional ceasefire on the condition that they get airconditioning to improve their condition while being reconditioned.

Europe struggling with gas shortage after Russian gas suppliers halt borscht shipments through Ukraine.

President Elect vows fiscal restraint, but only after he gets to spend up to a trillion dollars on stimulation. Most of us go to jail for that.

Golfers beware! Titanium clubs hitting balls may cause hearing loss and lowered libido.

After huge sales, shoppers will pay full price again, but only when it is disguised as a huge sale.

Shady congressional appointee could be seated soon, after waiting hours at the local IHoP.

Some movie star had a kid. "Looks almost human." says an inside source.

America's best and worst cities to live in: New York takes #1 on both lists. Also on both lists are Las Vegas, Los Angeles, and Chicago. While New Yorkers can be proud of their dual accomplishment, denizens of Chicago can also be proud that while their city was near the bottom of the "Best" top 10, they were near the top of the other one.

Weather: Weather is weather, whether you like it or whether you don't. San Diegans may have to wear shoes instead of flip-flops if it dips below 70 today.

Sports: Baseball player's wife decides where he will play, stating "New York is going to pay you a boatload more money than anyone else. You know how I looooooove to shop!"

Not Necessarily the News: Where, if we can't find interesting stories, we make them up!

Big Brother is watching you.

Out of work? The FBI is now hiring! No training necessary!

If you ever need a kidney, don't get your spouse to be the donor. Just in case, you know, you get divorced or something and he wants his kidney back.

Israel getting it from both sides now.

Pres-Elect says recession could hang around awhile. Prepares for stimulation.

Celebrities do stuff that nobody should care about but do. Film at 11.

Large, overpriced department store chain closing large, overpriced stores.

Illinois impeachment panel has Burris on the grill.

Weather: Aren't you glad you aren't in Alaska?

Sports: The Chargers, Panthers, Titans, Eagles, Giants, Steelers, Ravens, and Cardinals.......umm, all did something maybe?

I would like to take this moment to quote Ernest Hemmingway, but I can't think of a thing he ever said.

LOL!!! --bursting tears, falls to the floor, but recovers--

OMG! Now is the first time I read through this thread! HA! HA! HA!

You need to contact Steve Colbert! You'd be a great addition to his show!

Not Necessarily the News: We have what it takes to take what you have!

Top Story: Local scumbag honored by several, is nearly speechless, but manages to say "Hey buddy! Can ya spare a quarter?"

President Elect promises to spend the rest of your money differently than how the other guy was spending your money.

Two brothers, living 6 blocks apart without contact for 80 years, to reunite. "The bestid better apologise when I get there or I'm not gonna talk to him for another 80." says brother Jack.

Shady Senator, selected by shady governor to be sworn in by swearing shady lawmakers..... sometime.

Fast moving blizzard hits slow moving North Dakota. Insurance rates go up.

Obama to close Gitmo first thing, says "Gitmo! What a stupid name! We'll open a new prisoner of war camp and call it Powcamp. That has a more musical ring to it. We'll use existing facilities at Guantanimo Bay. In fact, nothing about the place will really change except the name, but we'll have closed Gitmo and that should make those bleeding heart pansy protestors shut up for awhile."

Sports: NFL Playoffs unlike any other playoffs this year, other than the ones it is like, which no one liked back then.

Weather: Alaska, huh? How about those wood burning stoves huh? Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Not Necessarily the News: Where Chevy Chase is everyone's hero!

Let's look at the news! *Looks at news* Okay then, let's move on!

Today's top story: Incoming SoS Hillary Clinton to institute "Smart Mix" which is kind of like Chex Mix, but with brains.

Home values fall, property taxes rise. Where did YOU think the money for the bank bail out was coming from?

Future VP Joe Biden: "New administration should be committed, and withdrawn."

Israel+Hamas=Boom!

Fast moving blizzard that hit North Dakota head-on now looking for other slow moving targets.

Europeans gasless while Russia and Ukraine point fingers.

Judge to decide who gets the kidney. (Personally, I wouldn't want it back after where it's been!)

Bones discovered in Maryland. Kirk and Spock beam him up before anyone can write a news story.... ooops, too late!

Not Necessarily the News anchorman to win Australia's "Best Job in the World" contest, laze around on beach collecting $100,000 and writing silly blogs. (Well, the bribery worked on VP, why not down under too?)

Not Necessarily the News: Because, honestly, what else are you going to be doing for the next 2 minutes that could be more important?

Death row conviction from 1978 reversed, body exhumed and set free.

How to keep thousands of $ in your pocket: Don't freakin' spend it on anything!

Rapper chick getting bad rap for bad rap.

Temperature drops in January, gets cold all over, people astonished.

Celebrities reveal baby's name. People care for some reason.

Retail sales unexpectedly fail amid failing economy. Duh!

Pentagon admits that "Yes, the U.S. government does take part in torture and other illegal activities. Did you think you were living in Smurfville?"

Israel+Hamas+Hezbollah=Boom, boom!

Experts say tusk found on California island could be from a mammoth, maybe, or from something completely different, or it might not even be a tusk...

Conspiracy to thrust local scumbag at VP into the limelight unmasked. Conspirators heard giggling uncontrollably in next thread.

Sports: Some coaches got fired, some baseball players got huge contracts, some other stuff, blah, blah.

Weather: Don't you know it's winter?

Not Necessarily the News: Where it's all about what it's all about. When in doubt, check us out!

US Airways provides 155 passengers with close up and personal tour of the scenic Hudson River.

Businesses that got bailout money spending millions on presidential balls.

Pres-Elect hitting the road to promote stimulation. Makes Las Vegas a priority stop-over. Says "If you want stimulation, and have an extra $850 billion in your pocket, Vegas is the place!"

Hamas unconditioned to Israeli conditions for reconditioning their condition.

Middle East: More things go boom.

Somali pirates awarded millions for their piratical acts. Film at 11.

Fumbling, bumbling Texan, prepares to leave Washington: Gives self big pat on back for doing a first class job of screwing up "...not just America, but the whole world."

Bank posts loss. <gasp!>

Rich stars spend money, poor unemployed people don't.

Weather: What? Do I look like a meteorologist to you? Look out the window!

Sports: Some team lost somewhere in the world, and somebody got fired, and somebody got a huge contract to do very little.

Not Necessarily the News: Ah! Australia in January!

Hope you all enjoyed the peace and quiet of not having to put up with me for almost 2 weeks!

Today's news: Zombies invade Texas highway system. Commuters flee for their lives.

Middle East still a quagmire; things still going "Boom!" frequently.

Those Silly Somali pirates are at it again!

Oil prices drop because no one can afford gas. Multi-billion dollar gains for oil companies of the past few years seen dwindling away to fewer multi's of billions of dollars.

Left handed presidents' evil plot to rule the world revealed: film at 3:30.... not really! Film at 11:00 d;-)

Super Bowl special coverage: Beer and gone in one second!

Iraq tells private American thug service to "piss up a rope".

French doing what comes naturally: bitching instead of doing something.

U.S. poised to squander more billions in doomed attempt at salvaging something.

Corrupt governor defends his right, and the right of every politician, to be corrupt.

Weather: Don't you just love Freez-Pops?

Sports: Baseballer's trainer's wife's mother's house gets searched by Feds over some tax thing or other and for some reason this is newsworthy.

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