Best Parenting Books

 

 

We asked MyMommyManual's publisher to put together a list of the best/most impactful parenting books. Here is her report:

I've always been a reader. Perhaps it's because I was raised in the pre-Google era. If I am faced with a parenting problem or question, I'll first turn to my girlfriends but mostly to ask what books they have read on the topic. So I'm thrilled with the opportunity to share my favorite, and in my estimation, most helpful parenting books with you.

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline
by Becky Bailey, Ph.D.

I first read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline when my first child was 20 months old. It has been my parenting Bible ever since. Now that my child is eight and my younger one is six, I still find myself pulling it off the shelf for refreshers. Becky Bailey's Loving Guidance principles are powerful. I know this because my children attended a preschool that regularly supported her work by training its teachers in her method of guidance. Here's an excerpt on The Power of Positive Intent that I find particularly compelling:

When you attribute positive motives to yourself and to others, you achieve an amazing number of good ends. Among them:

You uphold the highest image of yourself and of others

You foster a sense of security to your child up for a teaching moment

You convey healthy responses to your child that will help him handle and embrace diversity

You encourage your child to develop his own will by acknowledging that he does not need to obey you in order to keep your love

You model unconditional love

I recall being blown away by the simple (yet not easy) idea that you can actually teach unconditional love to your children. That's right - they don't have to wait until they're grown-ups and learn the hard way! Perhaps other parents are more enlightened than I am, but this was a radical shift for me. Sure, people talk about feeling unconditional love for their children. It is something that is given lip service in play date conversations, but really and truly living it is a completely different story. Are you unconditionally loving the toddler who is having a meltdown at the grocery store? Are you unconditionally loving your kids as they kick each other in the back seat of the car?

 

 

 

So what does Loving Guidance look like? Let's take an example: your baby whacks you on the arm. You have a choice. You can get angry and say, "We DO NOT hit!", or you can say, "You wanted my attention so you hit my arm." And then follow it by saying, "You may not hit because that hurts. When you want my attention you can touch my arm or my hand or say, "Mama! Let's try it now." This is paraphrasing an example from the book but one that I have experienced myself many times as I redirected my own children.

So what's the difference? If I am angry, I can usually bet that the sponsoring thought is something like, "You are driving me nuts! Why are you so difficult?" If I am centered and calm, the sponsoring thought is more along the lines of... "I'm distracted. He wants my attention and I'm not being fully present. And he is frustrated." And I can be grateful that he wants my love! Obviously, the latter is ascribing positive intent and it changes the way I respond to my child.

Parenting from a place of centeredness and balance is truly a blessing. This book was a part of the inspiration for theYoga Parenting course and this idea of starting from a centered place is, I believe, the secret to more joyful, less stressful parenting.

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The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness
by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

What do we truly want for our children? Is it money? Fame? Success? Ask any parent and the root of all their grand wishes is just one: happiness. One of the books we recommend on My Mommy Manual is The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness by Edward M. Hallowell. In it, Dr. Hallowell examines the research on how kids learn to create and sustain lifelong joy, regardless of the circumstances of their lives. Dr. Hallowell gives real world examples and strategies that help kids tap into their own internal wellspring of happiness and he offers five easy steps that parents can take.

What are the five steps? (I could say this is a spoiler alert however the book truly is worth the full read of 256 pages.)

1. Connection

2. Play

3. Practice

4. Mastery

5. Recognition

Through his personal experiences and as a child psychiatrist, Hallowell reminds us of the significance of connectedness, playfulness, optimism and joy in our daily lives. One major take away message: avoid over scheduling your child's life. They need lots of time to just be, to play, to create and to imagine.

This enlightening book is thought-provoking and a must read for anyone hoping to inspire happiness in the lives of children. We can make a profound difference in our children's abilities to create and sustain happiness no matter what challenges life may bring their way.

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Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children
by Wendy Mogel, Ph.D.

This book made the rounds of our play group back when it was first out in 2005. It continues to be a favorite of mine because Mogel, who is a child psychologist, does not shy away from the premise that happiness and contentment stem from a rich spiritual life. The author happens to be Jewish. I am not and I don't believe that you have to Jewish for this book to resonate with you. For example, encouraging gratitude, fostering responsibility, being accepting of a child's nature -- these are universal principles. These are principles I strive to live in my daily life as a mom.

Mogel says if you can name the thing that drives you crazy about your child, you have named her greatest strength. Now take a moment to think about that. It's true, isn't it? This perspective stems from the underlying idea that your children come into this world with certain particular gifts versus the idea that they are blank slates for us to fill with our own knowledge and "wisdom." Your child's gift is their spirit, and it is our responsibility to allow that spirit to shine. We can help our children actualize their potential by using their gifts, not subverting them or squashing them.

Similarly to Becky Bailey's work, Mogel's approach to discipline focuses on the intent and also dealing with transgressions compassionately and calmly. By no means don't interpret this to mean Mogel espouses lenient or "soft" parenting. She is quite clear that we are responsible for our children and that involves being present and engaged, especially in those times when their behavior is begging for our response. However, Mogel does not believe that discipline requires humiliation.

This book does not address every single possible situation you may encounter with your child, however I see that as a plus. It provides a strong framework (in 200 pages) that empowers both parents and children.

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NurtureShock
by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

I was surprised that I actually liked this book, written by New York Times bestselling author Po Bronson with Ashley Merryman. First of all, both Bronson and Merryman are not parenting experts or psychologists. They're journalists. However, what they are bringing to the world of parenting in the form of this book is significant. Bronson and Merryman spent years investigating ten different topics pertaining to child development. They picked these ten subjects because, as they say in the introduction, the results of multiple studies over time directly challenged the conventional point of view about how children develop, hence the title. I will admit, their assertions shocked me too.

Here's a sampling from the jacket:
"Why the most brutal person in a child's life is often a sibling, and how a single aspect of their preschool-aged play can determine their relationships as adults.

"Millions of families are fighting to get their kids into private schools and advanced programs as early as possible. But schools are missing the best kids 73% of the time - the new neuroscience explains why."

And my favorite:
"Parents are desperate to jump-start infants' language skills. Recently, scientists have discovered a series of natural techniques that are astonishing in their efficacy...."

This last one was the one I wished I had known when my kids were babies. It's the reason why I like to gift this book to new parents.

I include NurtureShock in this guide because I believe that this library of knowledge goes a long way in enlightening and empowering parents when it comes time to make important decisions. At the end of the day, actual empirical studies support what our gut instincts have known all along even when our intuition doesn't seem to jive with conventional thought. There are so many conventions that have been engrained in us over generations that we don't think to question - like why are children tested for giftedness so early? Or, why must preschool activities rotate every twenty minutes when we know preschool children are challenged by transitions? Bronson and Merryman questioned - and found surprising results. But they themselves say, "Once we overcame the initial shock, we found ourselves plugged into children in a whole new way."

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Secrets Girls Keep
by Carrie Silver-Stock

And speaking of listening to your gut, I love Secrets Girls Keep by Carrie Silver-Stock. Not only is she an Expert Mommy on My Mommy Manual but she is also a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the founder of Girls with Dreams, an online community for teen girls. Most people I know with daughters shudder at the thought of navigating the teenage years, and my friends who are already there or have survived it say there really is a lot to shudder about. So I have been fortifying myself well ahead of time and reading a lot of books! I'm glad I read this one.

Secrets Girls Keep covers all the hot topics for tween/teen girls: body image, boys, friendships, family, school and internet safety. There's even a whole chapter on "the tough stuff," like drugs, depression, teen pregnancy and STD's. This book is truly is an amazing resource for parents of girls!

One of the things I like about this book is that it is meant to be read by both parents and teen girls. Teen girls share their stories and Silver-Stock explains (for the benefit of parents) why girls do things like lie and keep secrets in the first place.

My favorite aspect of the book is Chapter 1: Seven Tips Every Girl Needs to Deal with Any Problem. Silver-Stock threads these universal ideas throughout the book so that regardless of the issue, whether family or boys, she shows readers how they apply. I especially like tip one: You Gotta Use Your Gut. I interviewed Silver-Stock about this and she explained how important it is to listen to intuition and how to teach our children (boys as well as girls) this skill.

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