Worst Movies ; Worst of the Worst Review

Overall 1.00 of 5 (by 1 user)

ChrisJarmick
Seattle, WA

Lousy movies you should never consider watching. Part 3.

very picky about horror films, an avid reader, going to try new things constantly, Northwest resident, a poet and author, a Movie Guru, into movies that tell a great story, a lover of quirky unique films

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Pros

You can avoid these

OCT

2009

Worst Movies ; Worst of the Worst —

Welcome to the 3rd installment of WORST OF THE WORST MOVIES. I wish I could tell you this is the last time I will have to tell you about lousy movies that are not worth watching, but it won't be. There will be 10 to 15 more installments to come...at least.

These movies are not the kind of fun campy baaad movies that sometimes are enjoyable to watch like Plan 9 From Outer Space or Mesa of Lost Women or Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. No.. these are the equivalent of cinematic garbage that is festering in a corner of your kitchen for several weeks that unpleasantly greets you when you arrive back from vacation.

Avoid these things and if you see one of them... put it into the trash and immediately take it outside for disposal. Spending any time with these movies is a waste.

Cobra (1986) Director: George P. Cosmatos Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, Reni Santoni, Andrew Robinson, Lee Garlington, John Herzfeld

Sly could not figure out how he could make the dull cliché's in this turkey interesting or the last bit fun to watch. He plays supercop; Marion Cobretti, a one-man wrecking machine. He's the cop of last resort that's called in to handle cases involving hostage situations and psychos. Naturally most of the people he works worth think he's an uncontrolled hot-head that can't follow procedures. Stallone's ex-wife Brigitte Nielsen plays a fashion model who witness a serial killer doing his thing. She needs to be protected and Stallone is on the job. It was produced by the Cannon boys Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus. They had to make up for that arm wrestling saga OVER THE TOP that they let Sly make....so they did this one. Thanks for nothing guys.

The Concorde - Airport '79 (1979) Director: David Lowell Rich Starring: Alain Devon, Susan Blakely, Robert Wagner, Sylvia Kristel, George Kennedy, Eddie Albert, Bibi Andersson, John Davidson, Andrea Marcovicci, Martha Raye, Cicely Tyson, Charro, Jimmie "J.J." Walker, David Warner, Mercedes McCambridge

Wow look at that cast. Emmanuelle herself Sylivia Kristel is in this thing!!! Alain Devon, Cicely Tyson and... okay okay you can read for yourself. AIRPORT; the original one that won Helen Hayes an Academy Award (and most of you will have no idea who Helen Hayes is) was a pretty exciting thriller almost 40 years ago. It's dated and not so exciting anymore, but you might still enjoy it. A series of films began in the mid 70s which featured name casts involved in some sort of harrowing airplane mishap. All of them were done seriously. One of the most ridiculous and perhaps FUN of the bunch was AIRPORT 75. You got Charlton Heston and Karen Black starring in that one. Unfortunately this movie is AIRPORT 1979. It was the last in the series. It followed the disaster movie formula to the T. Get some older name actors and some actors familiar from television and then add in George Kennedy and throw them into a disaster scenario. We can thank films like Poseidon Adventure and Towering Inferno and Earthquake for ones like this.

PLOT: There is this big corporation that has just purchased the world's fastest plane the Concorde. Susan Blakely has discovered that the corporation has made its money by selling illegal arms to foreign countries. She gets documents proving what she has found out just before she gets on the airplane that is headed for Paris. Her boyfriend is Robert Wagner and he is the conniving bad guy who heads up the corporation. He finds out that his girl friend has the incriminating documents and so he is going to blow the airplane out of the sky so know one ever finds out about the dirty secret. The special effects are terrible, any of the good actors you see listed in the cast are wasted and have very little to do. People like Charo however get too many chances to annoy you by saying coochi, coochi a lot. I will tell you the lines of dialogue that you are missing that are the sole reason for seeing this movie. I will tell you these lines of dialogue because then you have absolutely no reason to watch this movie. Because most of the movie is lame and worthless. Ready? A stewardess offers the pilot and co-pilot some coffee. "Two cups black? You pilots are such men." The Copilot then says: "They don't call it the cockpit for nothin'." The characters are all cardboard cut-outs and the special effects aren't much better.

Cool As Ice (1991) Director: David Kellogg Starring: Vanilla Ice, Kristin Minter, Michael Gross, Candy Clark, Sydney Lassick, Dody Goodman

Once upon a time there was this white rapper named Vanilla Ice and before there was reality television, the only way to cash in on your 15 minutes of fame was to make a quick and very bad action movie. Well in this case they tried to make Vanilla Ice into a romantic, action movie star stud. He doesn't have the charisma to pull it off. He plays a loner on a motorcycle who travels with his rappin' posse. He gets stuck in a small town when one of the bikes breaks down. He decides to woo a pretty high school honor student. There's a rival and complications ensue. I'm sure they told him it was like The Wild One with some Shakespeare thrown in. Did I tell you it was awful? It's awful. Now you know.

DEATH WISH AND EXTERMINATOR SEQUELS

DEATH WISH sequels. Michael Winner created Death Wish which cast Charles Bronson as a middle aged businessman who turns into a vengeful violent vigilante after his wife and daughter are violently attacked and raped by hoodlums (including Jeff Goldblum in one of his first roles) It was controversial, violent and very popular. So there were sequels. Death Wish 2 is a by the numbers useless junk. No one tried very hard at all. In Deathwish 3 they tried to be a bit funny as in campy with it, reducing everything to cheap cartoonish junk. But that sold enough tickets and there was Death Wish 4: The Crackdown in which Bronson takes on crack dealers. I don't think anyone cared when they made Death Wish 5: The Face of Death Bronson's face looked utterly bored throughout the violent movie. You've been warned. The last of these films were made by Cannon Films. You'll feel guilty about ever enjoying the first one-even marginally if you sit through the sequels. One of the worst but somewhat popular Death Wish wannabe's was the Exterminator and there were two of them.. The first one; Exterminator (1980) which is a sick violent gory film that stars Robert Ginty as a flame thrower packing Vietnam Vet on a mission of revenge. Exterminator 2 (1984) is much worse than the first one. Who is Robert Ginty? Well if you remember the Paper Chase television series which then moved over to cable television... he was on that series for a few years. He left the series to pursue his film career which consisted of D and Z grade junk even worse then the Exterminator films. And who was his agent anyway?

Demonwarp (1987) Director: Emmett Alson Starring: George Kennedy, Pamela Gilbert, Michelle Bauer and Shannon Kennedy

George Kennedy goes into the woods to fight some monsters that he thinks killed his daughter. Are they demons in his mind... Monsters of the Id if you will... Maybe it's a Big Foot who is ripping off heads. The Aliens are ripping out people's hearts and the Zombies well they are just being downright savage. There is nudity, bad special effects, and it makes no sense and you won't care about any of it... so skip it. It's garbage.

DON'T MOVIES . . .
Don't..... Most of the films which begin with the title Don't are giving you really good advice and you should follow the advice. DON'T SEE THE MOVIE. I guess they knew that reverse psychology would work on me. So when they told me:

Don't Go Near the Park (1979), Don't Answer the Phone (1980), Don't Go in the Woods (1981), Don't Look in the Attic (1981), Don't look in the Basement (1973), Don't Open the Window (1974), Don't Look Upstairs (1984), Don't Open the Door (1974), Don't Open till Christmas (1984), Don't Look Under the Bed (1999), Don't Mess with My Sister (1984), Don't Panic (1997), Don't Tell Daddy (1972), Don't Change the World (1983) Don't Tell Her It's Me (1990, an awful Steve Guttenberg movie), Don't Look Down, Wes Craven Presents: (1998), Don't Raise the Bridge, Lower the Water (1967-Jerry Lewis's worst released film!!!!), Don't Sleep Alone (1997) Don't Do It (1994),

I decided to rent them or in a couple cases see them in theatres. Ugh to the lot of them. Some are worse then others but they are all utterly worthless.

There are a couple of exceptions to the Don't Rule... like Don't Look Back (a great documentary about Bob Dylan) and Don't Look Now (an excellent moody horror film with Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland), but if you aren't sure about what film you are getting don't randomly take a chance on a film that begins with the word DON'T. Just Don't.

Drop Dead Fred (1991) Director: Ate De Jong Starring: Phoebe Cates, Rik Mayall, Marsha Mason, Tim Matheson, Carrie Fisher, Keith Charles, Ron Eldard.

In this mean-spirited, crass, badly written fantasy, a little girl's imaginary "friend" who helped protect her when she was a child, returns after her husband of 20 years dumps her and instead of being a big help to her he wreaks havoc in her now grown-up life. Crude, rude, nasty Fred is utterly unlikeable. I was dragged to this worthless Beetle Juice wannabe. Why did Kevin Kline let his wife Pheobe Cates do this turkey...? Maybe it was before they were married and the proposal went something like this... "Marry me and you won't even have to watch something let alone be in something like Drop Dead Fred ever again. She of course said, YES!!!! And so they remained happily married for many years.