Worst Movies Bad Films Part 11 Review

Welcome to Part 11 of my round up of some of the Worst Films ever made. These are not the kind of bad films that are fun to watch. These are just terrible films possessing such little entertainment that in my opinion they are to be avoided.

   There are so many better choices out there, I hope you’ll be able to avoid the movies I’ve listed here and you gain from my pain and suffering, avoiding the agony of wasted time for little to no reward.   Most of these movies I saw in movie theaters sometimes at screenings or I watched them as part of an assignment for an article or essay or larger review I was working on.  Most of these are not direct to video type movies.  There have been some very good direct to video movies, but the percentage of good ones to worthwhile ones is pretty low; a little bit of research and you should be able to spare yourself disappointment.

Yet with all my experience and knowledge I will still make mistakes.  Today,  if a film does not  impress or at least intrigue and interest me within 20 minutes, I will not finish it.  I will stop watching the DVD, I will walk out of the movie theater (usually).  The only exception would be if I am writing an essay, article or review that I am being paid to do. 

Since,  I don’t want to know too much about a movie BEFORE I see it, I don’t read about a movie I intend to see.  There are several movies I have decided NOT to see and a review will or comment from a acquaintance or friend will put it back on my ‘watch’ list.   You can get a ‘handle’ on a movie by the ‘buzz’ it creates.  You can also scan early ratings of the movies without reading anything about it. Or you can read opening paragraphs of reviews if you need more information which rarely give anything important away.   I’ve done all of these things and have avoided seeing a lot of lousy movies in the process.      

Ready to dive back into the open sewer of double flush worthy movies?

Let the suckage begin!!!


 Phobia (1980) Director John Huston

Here it is. One of the worst films ever made by anyone, all the more surprising because it was made by John Huston.  Yes, the man who gave us Maltese Falcon, African Queen, Treasure of Sierra Madre, didn’t just make a flawed or mediocre movie but a true turkey.  It’s more interesting driving theough the Western part of Kansas at 10 miles an hour than watching this cinematic blemish.  Paul Michael Glaser is the star (He was of course the dark haired star of T.V.’s  Starsky and Hutch and in recent times has devoted his life to raising money for AIDs research (after his wife and child contracted Aids due to a blood transfusion).  Anyway, Paul’s seeing a psychiatrist about his claustrophobia and his fear of heights and several other patients are being murdered.  Who’s doing it and why?  You won’t care.  The movie has no style, no suspense and the acting is mediocre.  It’s not bad enough to laugh AT, and it’s just a dull nothing  that you won’t remember five minutes after you see it, so why bother seeing it in the first place.. 

Please Don't Eat My Mother (1972) Director Carl Monson

A lonely 40 something fat guy who still lives with his mother gets girls to take off their clothes for his plant and then feeds them to it. It's a soft-core sexploitation rip off version of Corman’s original Little Shop of Horrors. It was destined to play in 42nd Street grindhouses. You don’t get Mushnick, a flower shop, Jack Nicholson (or Bill Murray). I had heard about this for many years and then Seattle’s Something Weird Video found it and put it out on tape. It was shot mostly in a cheap tract home with a small cast of pretty unappealing characters. I’ve seen it, it’s sleazy, it’s junk. A movie like this is the equivalent of say finding an old Penthouse magazine stuffed I back of a toilet at a community dorm bathroom. If you start to look through it and discover some of the pages stuck together, you probably get grossed and throw the thing away. This movie is for people who would become more interested in the magazine after such a discovery. It’s Awful.

 The Pirate Movie (1982) Director: Ken Annakin Starring: Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins, Ted Hamilton, Bill Kerr, Maggie Kirkpatrick, Gerry McDonald

Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance was updated so a new generation could enjoy it. This Australian film features appallingly bad pop songs and bad performances from miscast leads Kristy McNichol (TV's Family) and Christopher Atkins (The Blue Lagoon). McNichol dreams she is involved with a band of pirates. If you get caught watching this nightmare well I suppose you could laugh at the songs: Pushin and Blowin and the ear bleeding nonsense called Happy Ending. You’ve seen 6th Grade school plays that were more professional.

The Police Academy Series (1984-1994) Director: 1- Hugh Wilson , 2 & 3: Jerry Paris , 4: Jim Drake, 5:Alan Myerson , 6: Peter Bonerz , 7: Alan Metter Starring: 1-4: Steve Guttenberg , 1-5: Bubba Smith, David Graf, Michael Winslow, George Gaynes, 2 & 3: Bobcat Goldthwaite 4-7: G.W. Bailey, 1-6: Marion Ramsey

This decade long 7 film series produced probably a total of about 15 minutes that were possibly mildly funny in a tired sit-com kind of way. Misfits get into the police academy and make the police force. It’s the plot of what would have been a really bad end of their career Abbott and Costello movie. So imagine how bad it got for Steve Guttenberg to finally say after doing 4 of them that he wouldn’t do any more. Even Bubba Smith said no to numbers 6 and 7. Arrest anyone who thinks any of these are worth your time to sit through. WARNING; THEY actually did make an eigth one attempting ro revive the series several years after it was sucked dry, dead and buried… and no one cared… whewwwww.

 
 #1 Police Academy (1984): Police recruitment is down so the mayor removes the height, weight and age restrictions for becoming a police officers and the new recruits are a pretty hopeless bunch and include that Michael Winslow guy who makes funny noises and sound effects with his mouth. Older police veterans try to sabotage the new recruits so they get fired or quit but then the new recruits actually restore order after a riot breaks out in the city. The R rating doesn’t mean you get witty bathroom humor , it just means you get a few f words and farrt jokes and a touch of nudity. It made over 80 million bucks at the box office.. which meant.. MORE…

 P.A. 2: Their First Assignment (1985) Stand-up comedian Bob(cat) Goldthwait (who used to talk like he was trying not to exhale a toke of marijuana) is part of a gang of vandalizing hooligans who live in an abandoned zoo. The hopeless cops try to stop the prankster gang. Nothing resembling reality enters the world of this picture. Dumb sit-com comedy at its worst. Loud, unfunny and headache inducing.

 P.A. 3 "Back In Training (1986): Budget cutbacks force the State to close one of its Police training Academies. The two Academies compete to see which one will stay open. Reformed gang leader Bobcat Goldthwait returns, to become a cadet!!! FLUNK.

 P.A. 4: Citizens On Patrol (1987): In this one the police force institutes a neighborhood watch program throughout the city and there are problems—yeah like it still isn’t funny!!! Oh you’ll find people like Sharon Stone and in his motion picture debut David Spade in this turkey. Steve Guttenberg decided to leave the series after this one. Do you care? This one only made 28 million gross at the box-office… but they still made more of ‘em.

 P.A. 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988): Commander Lassard goes to Miami to receive the "Police Officer of the Decade" award. Lassard is escorted to Miami by six of the original cast cadets. Rene Auberjonois plays the villain. Many think this is worst in the series—but I don’t know how you can tell. This one made 19.5 million gross in its first theatrical run. Unfortunately they were also popular in video stores. Ouch that means another one…

109. P.A. 6: City Under Seige (1989): A bad guy is trying to buy up blocks of city property and when he can’t buy something legally he’ll kill to get it. The cops have got to stop him darn it. I say darn it because this series now rated PG became tamer and less racy with every entry. I’m happy to report this one probably lost money at the box-office grossing just 11.5 million in theaters. They didn’t rush to make the next one.. but oh my.. they did wind up doing this again… WHY!!!!???!!!

110. P.A. 7: Mission To Moscow (1994): The Theaters were Police Academy free for 5 blessed years. Then they did another one. Lassard is summoned to Moscow to consult with a friend about the art of law enforcement (but not comedy or good movies). A few of the original cadets go with him. Michael Winslow makes very few noises in this one. I guess that’s an improvement. This was barely released to theaters making only $126,247. It didn’t do well on video either.. so the series looked to be over.

I did not see #8… few did.  .

 The "Porky's" Trilogy (1981 - 1985)
Director: 1 & 2: Bob Clark, 3: James Toback
Starring: Dan Monahan, Mark Herrier, Wyatt Knight, Roger Wilson, Kim Cattrall, Scott Colomby, Kaki Hunter, Nancy Parsons, Chuck Mitchell, Edward
Winter

Before American Pie there was PORKY’S. It’s the sophomoric tale of a group of teens who are obsessed with seeing girls naked, losing their virginity and sneaking into a famous 21 and older strip club PORKY’S. After getting in they get kicked out and scheme to blow the place up. Since the first Porky’s a rude crude and somewhat amusing sex comedy was unbelievably popular.. I can understand some people enjoying the first film, I suppose...It's popularity meant there were of course 2 sequels. The sequels were dreadful, both tamer and lamer than the original. In PORKY’S:The Next Day a group of 20 somethings playing 16 year old high school students stumble about the wreckage of the strip club and try to repair or prolong friendships. There’s also this school Shakespeare play. Ugh.  In  Porky's Revenge, which was released in 1985. The now 30 something year old 16 year olds of Angel Beach High School discover Porky has paid off the coach of the basket ball team to throw the big game. Yes.. it’s mainly a sports movie. The strip club is rebuilt as a river-boat. Will the gang be able to stop Porky? Hmmm I wonder.

This is Number 11 in a series.  Part 12 is on the way.

Need to catch up?  Here's  quick links to read about more of the worst movies ever made.  Thanks for reading.  Hope it helps.

Part 10 b is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-10-B-Extra-Bad-Movies-review-c2a30

Part 10 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-10-review-acb66

Part 9 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-9-review-90be

Part 8 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-8-review-81bc0

Part 7 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Moviesl-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-7-review-5890

Part 6 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-6-review-cb0f

Part 5 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-5-review-abc02

Part 4 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-4-review-b8604

Part 3 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-review-b0805

Part 2 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/WORST-MOVIES-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-2-review-1e052

Part 1 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/WORST-MOVIES-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-2-review-1e052

You probably would appreciate avoiding these lousy Sports Movies as well.

Worst Sports Movies  Part 3:

http://www.viewpoints.com/WORST-SPORTS-MOVIES-Ever-Part-3-of-3-review-5f8b0

Worst Sports Movies Part 2:

http://www.viewpoints.com/WORST-SPORTS-MOVIES-of-All-Time-Part-2-of-3-review-5e76

Worst Sports Movies Part 1:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Sports-Movies-of-All-Time-Part-1-of-3-review-7819

Enjoy.