WORST MOVIES ; Worst of the Worst Part 2 Review

WORST MOVIES, WORST OF THE WORST  will list movies that no one should waste their time watching.   

These  Worst Movies are not the 'fun' or 'campy' kind of baaad movie or 'worst' movies.  These are lousy movies to be avoided.

  We aren't talking Ed Wood Jr. here or something that's made watchable by the MST3000 crew either.  

These are movies to avoid.  If you break down and find yourself tempted to watch these... go find a copy of  Girl in the Gold Boots,  Plan 9 from Outer Space, or the worst Adam Sandler movie you can think of.  You'll have more fun watching them than any of these.

Avoid these movies.  Don't rent them, watch them or buy them. 

I've suffered through them, taken one for the team, so that you will not have to.   All I ask in return in thanks is a helpful vote.

 Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979) Director: Irwin Allen Starring: Michael Caine, Sally Field, Telly Savalas, Peter Boyle, Jack Warden, Shirley Knight, Slim Pickens

No one was actually demanding a sequel to  the Oscar-winning The Poseidon Adventure.  And it certainly didn't need to be made a full 7 years AFTER the first one.    It's a horrible film which pits an authorized team of salvage experts against a group of vandals who are trying to loot the ship before it sinks again. Michael Caine who had made turkeys like Swarm for Irwin Allen was trying to make as many bad movies as possible and was in training making things like  The Island and  Jaws 4: The Revenge. Sally Field was making this one  as training perhaps for the nearly as putrid Smokey and the Bandit 2.

 Beyond the Door (1975) Directed by Richard Barrett and Oliver (Ovidio Assonitis) Hellman
Starring Juliet Mills, Richard Johnson, David Colin Jr.

A cheap Italian made Exorcist rip-off that is about a San Francisco woman who suddenly finds herself pregnant with Satan's child. Idiotic and awful. A movie called Shock Shock Shock which was directed by Mario Bava was released in 1979 as Beyond the Door 2. It's a decent film and Bava's last film. Then there was...

Beyond the Door 3 (1991) Director: Jeff Kwitney Starring Mary Kohnert, Sarah Conway, William Geiger It was filmed in Yugoslavia and has to do with some American students who are on a train that is taking them to a strange Satanic ritual. Has nothing to do with other films and isn't any good.

Caddyshack II (1988) Director: Allan Arkush Starring: Jackie Mason, Dyan Cannon, Robert Stack, Dina Merrill, Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd, Randy Quaid, Jessica Lundy, Jonathan Silverman, Chynna Phillips, Brian Doyle-Murray

The first Caddyshack in 1980 was a sloppy goofy comedy that sometimes was very funny. It was held together because of the charisma and funny one-liners of Rodney Dangerfield and the utterly gonzo whacked performance of Bill Murray. Chevy Chase was kind of amusing and Dan Ackroyd was entertaining too. There was some outrageous moments and it entertained.  

 So a full 8 years later.. they tried to do it again.   They convinced Jackie Mason to tone down his etchnic schtick and do what amounts to a pale imitation of himself. In this one, slob millionaire Mason is not allowed to join the snobbish country club, so he decided to get revenge by buying the club and turning it into a tacky amusement park. Mason is annoying and the subplot involving love interest Dyan Cannon is just tasteless. Chevy Chase is here, but he has nothing to do. Dan Ackroyd is here but he can't save this movie. Bill Murray wisely stayed far away from this turkey. Take a tip from Bill, he didn't show up and they were willing to pay him for his time, so don't waste your time with it for less a few grand.

 Caligula (1980) Director: Tinto Brass Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Peter O'Toole, Teresa Ann Savoy, Helen Mirren, John Gielgud, Guido Mannari

I suppose the argument could be made that there is some value in this film because it  purports to accurately show some of the debauchery that the Ancient Romans actually engaged in.   Well where was the actual vomitorium scene?   I suspect you could have filmed one in some of the bathrooms of the theaters that showed this sickeningly gross, tasteless film.  

Whats terrible is that there are some quality actors in the film that tried to put together good performances and almost succeeded.  This just means you have a reason to feel guilty enough to sit through the entire thing if you were ever curious enough or foolish enough to insist on watching the film. 

Caligula was the emperor who was very sick, kinky and sadistic. So we see tasteless displays of rape, necrophilia, bestiality, decapitations and McDowell greasing up his arm to shove it up the back end of some young people who have fallen in genuine love with each other. The name actors didn't realize that there would be a couple of full on X-rated orgy scenes that would be shown as part of this movie. They didn't know this is the kind of the film that would show a castration and then follow the cut off uh appendage and watch it being eaten by a dog (or is it a pig... I forget now and I'm not going to get the movie to verify if it was a dog or a pig.. it was disgusting and that might be okay but I don't think O'Toole and others knew how disgusting the film was going to be). Filming took place at different times over a couple of years. Penthouse Magazine publisher Bob Guccione produced and promoted this one, insisting it was a good movie. It's a violent, cruel, sickening worthless film. The unrated/ x rated version is on DVD. The orgy scenes are graphic but just a few seconds of the movie actually  emulate an actual hard core x movie.  Most of the time it's just an exercise in depraved behavior. It gets repetitious and boring and you feel very sorry that good actors had anything to do with this awful movie.

I know you may still be attracted to see it.. like a moth to a flame. So let me just say... fast forward through it. Don't be fooled because a couple of scenes with Peter O'Toole are almost good that this movie is as interesting as say Fellini's Satyricon and so you watch the whole thing. If you like one scene or two scenes... great.. the whole movie isn't like that. It's pointless, sick and a waste of time. If you really want to waste your time.. hey it's your time to waste and thank God this is America and we have the right to waste our time in any way we feel like (provided we aren't hurting anyone in the process).

Okay deep breath. No pain, no gain. Here we go.

Car 54....

Oh wait. One more second. Need a good long cleansing breath.

Car 54, Where Are You? (1994) Drector: Bill Fishman Starring: David Johansen, John C. McGinley, Grandpa Al Lewis, Fran Drescher, Nipsy Russell, Rosie O'Donnell, Daniel Baldwin, Penn & Teller, Tone Loc

It didn't ever seem like a slightly good idea to update and do a big movie version of the dumb CAR 54 WHERE ARE YOU television series involving a couple of idiot New York City Cops. The series worked because of how charming Fred Gwyne and Joe E. ('ooh ooh') Ross were as the knuckle-heads.   It only lasted a couple of seasons on t.v. but nostalgia was very much in in the late 1980s and early 90s when a lot of lousy films based on bad t.v. shows were made.      This open sore of a movie was made in 1990 and 1991 and they realized it was terrible and didn't release the thing until 1994. It featured the film debut of Rosie O'Donnell.  It's loud, unfunny and without one single thing I can say to recommend it. Give it to someone you hate and tell them it's funny and they should watch it.

The Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation (1986) Director: Dale Schott
Starring: voices of Maxine Miller, Pam Hyatt, Hadley Kay, Cree Summer

If you ever wondered what might be worse than sitting through a marathon of BARNEY television shows.. I've got your answer. This cheaply animated cloying, overly sweet, gentle excuse for a family film might turn you into a heroin addict if you watch it. If your child is older than... oh 3 ... he or she has outgrown this one. In the Kingdom of Caring which exists on a cloud floating about the earth two Care Bears are sent on their mission to get down to earth and help a very confused little girl. The little cutesy wootsy girl has made a deal with the evil Dark Heart. Dark Heart will make her popular for one day if she will help capture the Care Bears. You'll never ever in a million gazillion golly gee whiz years imagine what happens next. AAARGHHHH.

Cheech and Chong made some funny records in the 1970s and then made a couple of reasonably funny movies after that. They also made several really bad movies. I'm also throwing into the same pot the awful film Tommy Chong made that featured his family and friends . Here are some more movies to avoid no matter how many drugs you are taking: 

Cheech and Chong's Still Smokin' (1983) Director: Thomas Chong Starring: Richard "Cheech" Marin, Thomas Chong, Hansman In't Veld, Carol Van Herwijnen, Shirley Stroker, Susan Hahn

Cheech and Chong play themselves and arrive in the Netherlands for a Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton film festival. Cheech is mistaken for Burt Reynolds and the complications and stuff starts to happen which involve strained and unfunny fantasy sequences and poorly executed over the top gags. It's tedious and unfunny stuff. Even when they tag team wrestle the Invisible Man or bring to life some of the bits they recorded in the 1970s like Ralph and Herbie, Hey Margaret, Hippie and the Old Man, and Blind Melon Chitlin it's not a very funny anymore.

Cheech and Chong's The Corsican Brothers (1984) Director: Thomas Chong
Starring: Richard "Cheech" Marin, Tommy Chong, Roy Dotrice, Shelby Fiddis (Chong), Rikki Marin, Edie McClurg, Rae Dawn Chong, Robbi Chong

Do you want to see Cheech and Chong in a family friendly light comic romp loosely based on Alexander Dumas' swashbuckling novel? Cheech and Chong are twin brothers separated as children and reunited as adults who literally feel each other's pain. It's a period costume picture filmed in France without any of the duo's drug humor. It was their last movie. You will understand why. They must have been on drugs when they agreed to do this film.

But there is even a worse film.... 

Far Out Man (1990) Director: Tommy Chong
Starring: Tommy Chong, Shelby Chong, Paris Chong, Rae Dawn Chong, C. Thomas Howell, Martin Mull, Judd Nelson, Paul Bartel, Michael Winslow, Richard "Cheech" Marin

Tommy Chong is a middle-aged stoner hippie who is sent on a cross-country journey to find himself. Very little happens and when Chong encounters his former partner Cheech, well no magic happens. It's not funny it's just unbelievably sad and desperate and then you realize watching paint dry is wittier and more enjoyable and you are wasting your time.

And I'll end this Part 2 of Worst of the Worst with the promise that there are many more installments on their way....

Oh and how about a really awful Elvis film.

Clambake (1967) Directors: Arthur N. Nadel Starring: Elvis Presley, Shelley Fabares, Will Hutchins, Bill Bixby, Gary Merrill, James Gregory, Suzie Kaye, Harold Peary

Elvis made some bad bad movies. No, really he did. I know this is shocking and all but it's true. Well, this is probably his worst. He plays a millionaire playboy who doesn't want to be rich anymore so he trades identities with a guy in Miami Beach takes a job as a water-ski instructor in a fancy resort. The girl he falls for is gold-digger who has no idea that our boy Elvis is actually very rich and therefore even though he's got a great voice, since she doesn't think he has a big wallet it's no dice. Terrible songs stretch the bad sit-com idea into movie length. Zzzzzzzz

Hard to believe how many awful, awful movies there are.  Here are more Worst Movies to avoid.

Part 11 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Bad-Films-Part-11-review-131f2

Part 10 b is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-10-B-Extra-Bad-Movies-review-c2a30

Part 10 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-10-review-acb66

Part 9 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-9-review-90be

Part 8 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-8-review-81bc0

Part 7 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Moviesl-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-7-review-5890

Part 6 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-6-review-cb0f

Part 5 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-5-review-abc02

Part 4 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-4-review-b8604

Part 3 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Movies-Worst-of-the-Worst-review-b0805

Part 2 is  the one you are reading now.  Please read another.

Part 1 is here:

http://www.viewpoints.com/WORST-MOVIES-Worst-of-the-Worst-Part-2-review-1e052

You probably would appreciate avoiding these lousy Sports Movies as well.

Worst Sports Movies  Part 3:

http://www.viewpoints.com/WORST-SPORTS-MOVIES-Ever-Part-3-of-3-review-5f8b0

Worst Sports Movies Part 2:

http://www.viewpoints.com/WORST-SPORTS-MOVIES-of-All-Time-Part-2-of-3-review-5e76

Worst Sports Movies Part 1:

http://www.viewpoints.com/Worst-Sports-Movies-of-All-Time-Part-1-of-3-review-7819