Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Review

The Case

Okay, we're all familiar with the legendary, and sometimes infamous, Star Wars films.  We've all seen the movies - and if you haven't, I demand you stop reading and go watch them NOW! - we've all heard the quotes, we've all used the phrase "May the Force be with you."  Wait - doesn't everyone use that phrase in everyday conversation...? 

Uh, anyway, what I'd like to do here is rank the six SW movies in order from "The Best Flick of all Time That Makes Me Weep With Joy Every Time I Watch It" to "Oh My God, What The Heck Is This Abominable Monstrosity of a Thing and Why Does It Have The Name 'Star Wars' Attached To It?!"  For simplicity's sake, I'll refer to my ranking system on a numerical scale for the rest of this review.

Star Wars Movies - From Best to Worst:

#1 - Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
#2 - Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
#3 - Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
#4 - Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
#5 - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
#6 - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Regarding the Star Wars prequel trilogy (Episodes I, II, and III): I don't like them.  And if you haven't already seen them, I DON'T recommend them.  Please, just enjoy the originals!  (And by that I mean the REAL originals, not the Special Editions.  Han shot first, man.  It's a fact of life!)

The Good

Well Clones is definitely a step up from Menace, although that's really not saying much at all.  I did enjoy the fact that I wasn't forced to watch Jake Lloyd attempt to act anymore.  And the special effects in this one are just as good - if not better - than Episode I.  I'll be the first to admit that the arena battle at the end of this movie was freakin' awesome!  And, on top of clone troopers demolishing droid buggies and kicking very-odd-insect-like-creature butt (or thorax, I guess), we also get the epitome of lightsaber duels when Master Yoda gets his groove on.  That little green guy wiped the floor with Count Doo-Doo!  Uh, I mean Dooku.

The storyline with the Fetts and Kenobi was bountifying as well.  Hee, hee.  I crack myself up.  No, seriously, though, I was totally captivated by Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan.  He did a great job of emulating Alec Guinness' original portrayal while bringing his own spice to the role.  And Jango Fett provided a very, very cool nemesis.  George Lucas definitely stepped up when it came to new characters in this film.  Of course, he couldn't have done worse than Jar-Jar if he tried, but I'm not gonna go there this time, honest. 

And, even though the kid who played young Boba Fett wasn't all that great of an actor, his lines were minimized, proving that even George Lucas can learn from past mistakes (I'm referring here to Jake Lloyd - again).  All in all, the bounty hunter/Kamino/clones/Obi-Wan story manages to pay off, and it's my personal fave of the movie.  If only Jango hadn't lost his head in the arena scene (both figuratively and literally) we could have enjoyed the Fetts in Episode III as well.  Instead we get lightsaber-wielding robots and those dang Nemoidians again...  But, I digress.

The Bad

Okay, my personal most-hated line of the movie: "This party's over."  What the heck is that?!  Terrible, that's what!  My second most-hated line of the movie: "I truly, deeply love you."  Seriously?  That's the big profession of love line?!  Gag me with a fork!  My third-most hated line, which isn't really a line at all - it's a diatribe on sand: "It's course, and rough, and it gets everywhere.  Not like you."  Actually, Anakin, buddy, she does end up getting everywhere, if you take my meaning.  Sheesh.  My five-year-old brother could write better dialogue.

And again, I must intercede on the actors' behalf.  Let me reiterate: these are all good actors we're talking about here!  Natalie Portman, Sam L., Ewan McGregor, even Hayden Christensen has talent, and don't let anyone tell you different.  Check out Life as a House sometime, or Shattered Glass.  The kid's got what it takes, but NO ONE could make this dialogue work.  It's not the actors' faults, it's the writer's.  (*cough* *cough* George Lucas *cough* *cough*)

I could write ten more paragraphs on the cheesiness of this movie's script, but I'm not gonna.  I need room to remark on the overwhelming lack of chemistry shared by the two 'lovebirds.'  I like Portman, and I like Christensen, but these two heat up the screen about as much as the Antarctic!  They just don't have it.  At all.  Not even a little bit.  The minute they shared a scene together, my expectations plummeted.  And the kissing, and the terrible flirting, and, oh man, I just had 'a bad feeling about this' right from the get-go.  I mean, really, why would a girl like that fall for a guy like him in the first place?  He's so...whiny.

And the arch-villain is named Count Dooku?  What?  What?!

The Verdict

Two stars!  Episode II: Attack of the Clones was a slight improvement over the first of the prequels, but if you ask me, it's still a hunk of junk (and not in the good Millennium Falcon type of way)!