Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace Review

The Case

Okay, we're all familiar with the legendary, and sometimes infamous, Star Wars films.  We've all seen the movies - and if you haven't, I demand you stop reading and go watch them NOW! - we've all heard the quotes, we've all used the phrase "May the Force be with you."  Wait - doesn't everyone use that phrase in everyday conversation...? 

Uh, anyway, what I'd like to do here is rank the six SW movies in order from "The Best Flick of all Time That Makes Me Weep With Joy Every Time I Watch It" to "Oh My God, What The Heck Is This Abominable Monstrosity of a Thing and Why Does It Have The Name 'Star Wars' Attached To It?!"  For simplicity's sake, I'll refer to my ranking system on a numerical scale for the rest of this review.

Star Wars Movies - From Best to Worst:

#1 - Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
#2 - Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
#3 - Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
#4 - Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
#5 - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
#6 - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Episode I: The Phantom Menace (otherwise known as 'Oh My God, What The Heck Is This Abominable Monstrosity of a Thing and Why Does It Have The Name 'Star Wars' Attached To It?!')

Regarding the Star Wars prequel trilogy (Episodes I, II, and III): I don't like them.  And if you haven't already seen them, I DON'T recommend them.  Please, just enjoy the originals!  (And by that I mean the REAL originals, not the Special Editions.  Han shot first, man.  It's a fact of life!)

The Good

Even though Phantom Menace ranks dead last on my list, it does have a few things worth seeing.  After all, in what other film to you get to see Darth Maul kick Jedi butt?  Answer: none of them!  Sadly, this menacing, brooding, silent-type, in-desperate-need-of-a-dentist hunk of sith gets offed at the end of Episode I, but he added just enough evil presence to save this flick from the utmost ruin.  Well... actually...

Ahem, to offset Darth Evilness, we get Qui-Gon Jinn.  Any role played by Liam Neeson is okay in my book, and Qui-Gon is no exception.  He manages to capture a little bit of the calming but intense performance that Alec Guinness had in the original film, and both are much-needed for this pathetically paralyzing prequel.

Other than those two, though, the only good stuff comes from special effects and spectacularly sweet saber sagas (which, uh, come from special effects).  You have to admit, the various CGI scenes in Menace were pretty spectacular.  On top of the Jedi duels we get the podraces, various models of Trade Federation Droids of Destruction (as I like to call them), and the one-two punch battle at the climax with both ground and space forces. 

Impressive - yes.  Cool and pretty - yes.  Enough to save this movie from the jaws of lameness - no.

The Bad

Did you notice how in 'The Good' section, there were no elements of anything resembling a story?  That's because the plot to this movie really, really stunk!  And, if that's not bad enough, the writing made it worse. 

Some people would say - and have said - that the acting performances in Phantom Menace are bad.  I object to these claims.  The actors in this movie are dang good ones, and they've proven themselves time and time again in other flicks (with the exception of Jake Lloyd, who I'll get to in a sec).  Ewan McGregor, Liam Neeson, Natalie Portman - these are big names, and they're big for a reason.  They're GOOD!  No - the blame lies not with the actors, but with the script.  It's just bad (that's why I put this part in 'The Bad' section!).

You know what else was bad?  Mr. "I Can't Act My Way Out Of This Junk Shop" Anakin Skywalker, that's who!  I feel for Jake Lloyd, I really do.  I'm sure the kid gave it everything he had, but he's just NOT a good actor.  Of all the kids that auditioned for this part, he was the best they found?  Seriously?  Seriously?!

And then there's Jar-Jar Binks.  You know, I'm not even gonna go there.  Actually, yeah, I am, but just for a second.  I HATE Jar-Jar Binks.  Like, hate-him-with-the-power-of-a-thousand-Tatooinian-suns hate him.  In fact, I hate him so much that I tried to add his name more than one time to the cons list at the top of this review, but it wouldn't let me.  His name should be listed about fifty times under cons!  He's the worst thing to happen to this world since mullets, and that's really saying something!

The Verdict

One and a half stars (rounded to two, though it pained me to do it)!  There are a multitude of reasons why Episode I: The Phantom Menace is #6 on my list, and all of them with a Jar-Jar on top make me never want to watch this movie ever again!