Santa Lives! Review

The slim volume, Santa Lives! by Ellis Weiner is appropriately subtitled Five Conclusive Arguments for the Existence of Santa Claus.  In this volume, Weiner provides essentially the same arguments as Aquinas did about God, but used in the cause of Claus, and then expands on these to "prove" his case.  These arguments are fun and his explanations are very funny in most cases.  Weiner is a former editor for National Lampoon, a columnist for Spy and the author of several books.  This book is a wonderful, humorous quick read for the holiday season.

So what are the arguments for the existence of Santa?  The Ontological Argument is:

      "It is possible to imagine a perfect Santa Claus.  But this perfection would not be complete if it did not include existence.  Indeed, a Santa Claus who didn't exist would not be perfect-for, if he did not exist, then no matter how jolly, fat, and generous he was, how could he bring us presents?                                                                                  

     Therefore, the perfect Santa Claus, because we can imagine him, must exist."(11, 12)

Weiner then explains what attributes our perfect Santa must have in buttressing his argument.

The second argument is the Causal Argument:

      "Everything in our experience, in both the animate and inanimate worlds, must have a cause, ...When we ask ourselves, ‘What is the cause of Christmas?' we have an immediate and strong intuition that we haven't the faintest idea.  Then, when we ask someone who knows, the answer is, ‘Christmas presents,' since it wouldn't be Christmas without presents.

      But we then find ourselves confronting an even more puzzling conundrum, a huge, orderly, and astoundingly well-coordinated spectacle that cries out for explanation.  What causes Christmas presents?  And, even more striking and ‘weird,' what causes them to appear (a) all over the world, (b) under identical trees, and (c) at the same time?

      This is an effect that can only be explained by a single cause, i.e., Santa Claus.  It must follow then that Santa Claus exists."(21, 22)

To bolster this argument, Weiner applies the principle of parsimony in the guise of Occam's razor, i.e. given several possible explanations for the cause of a phenomenon, usually the simplest explanation is the correct one.

The third argument is the Argument from Design or the Teleological Argument:

      "Christmas is a nonrandom event.  It shows clear signs of having been designed for a number of specific purposes.  These purposes conform exactly to the salient characteristics, talents, and abilities of Santa Claus.  It is as though Christmas had been designed for Santa Claus-which would be impossible if Santa did not exist.

      In addition, Santa Claus is the only figure well-suited (in red, with fluffy white fringe, available for Santa fans at Big ‘n' Tall ‘n' Immense ‘n' Obese stores everywhere) to embody Christmas.  Yet it is absurd to imagine so important a holiday has been created to be incarnated in a being that does not exist.

      Therefore, from both the purposes of Christmas being what they are, and from the success of Christmas at achieving those purposes, we can conclude that Santa Claus must exist." (35, 36)

The fourth argument is the Experiential Argument:

      "Many people have had a direct, personal experience of Santa Claus.  Indeed, many have reported with unquestionable sincerity, that they have sat in his lap.  Moreover, they report that their lives were significantly changed by these encounters.  Objective, third-party observation confirms many of these reports.

      Since it is impossible to sit on the lap of a being who does not exist, and since it is impossible for one's life to be changed by a being who does not exist, and because so many people have claimed such experiences, Santa Claus must exist." (53, 54)

Weiner's elaboration consists of the argument that even though many, if not most, of these experiences are with faux Clauses, and although many children might not be truthful, at least some must be and some (few, perhaps) must experience the real Santa Claus.

His final argument is the Argument from Morality:

      "One of the chief functions and purposes of Santa Claus at Christmastime is to serve as moral arbiter of whether we have been good or bad.

      His methodology for this helpful (if seasonal) protocol is well-known:  He makes a list.  He checks it twice.  He finds out who, in his estimation, is naughty and who, in contrast, is nice.  He then awards or withholds presents accordingly.

      In addition, when we're told to be good in order to receive what we want for Christmas, we usually are good, for exactly this reason.

      We would not be inclined-and might not be able-to be good in order to appease a being who does not exist.  Nor could Santa himself make such persuasive and binding moral judgments about us if he did not exist.  Therefore, for both reasons, Santa Claus must exist." (71, 72)

To bolster his argument Weiner, first looks at where morality comes from.  He argues that until Santa was born, morality was just obeying the law and chance.  Then he moves into how Santa enforces his moral code through an examination of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" written in 1932 by Haven Gillespie and J. Fred Coots.

Weiner concludes his book with an appendix offering, briefly, three other arguments for Santa's existence:  Pascal's Wager, the Argument from Fame, and the Argument from Truism.

I found this to be a fast and hilarious read.  Weiner writes well and doesn't take himself, or his editor for that matter, particularly seriously.  I think this would be a great book to have for the Christmas season to be read, reread and savor every year.  I highly recommend it for its brevity, wild good humor and entertaining arguments.  Now, all I need to do is actually read Aquinas's Summa Theologica:-)