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I've always been a bit high strung. I take the weight of the world on my shoulders. I worry about everything and anything even if it is unlikely to happen. I take on your worry and grief. I feel too much. I'm overly responsible. I am always 15 minutes early and become aggravated if you are 5 minutes late. I have really high expectations for myself and others. Impossibly high expectations. I also have mild depression.
On top of all of these personality traits, I have been helping to care for my dad over the last year as he has been very ill and almost died several times. The weight of everything became so stressful that I barged into my doctor's office without an appointment one day and waited until he could see me. That's so out of character for me. I'm far too polite to barge into anywhere, but I was so stressed out and feeling like I was on a ledge that I needed to do something. Anything.
I sat in his office crying my eyes out and explained to him how I was feeling. Doctor, I'm working 50 hours a week, my dad is dying, my mom is freaking out, my brother is being a jerk, I can't calm down. One minute I'm OK but out of nowhere I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and I feel like the world is about to end. I lay in bed at night unable to sleep; the sound of my heart pounding franctically in my ears. It hurts. I can't do this.....
He frantically wrote on his little prescription pad and sent me on my way with sleeping pills and Xanax. I had heard a lot about Xanax over the years as a few of my friends had taken it for various reasons. I was told that I could take up to four per day when I felt an anxiety attack coming on. They can be highly addictive so I only take them when I absolutely need to as I am afraid to become addicted. Within minutes I can feel it starting to take the edge off. It helps to turn off my mind a little so that I'm not thinking of all the awful "what ifs" and worries that are normally muddling my brain.
My mom also takes Xanax now after I suggested it to her. Not surprising, but we are exactly the same in our thinking so I was able to recognize her freaking out the same way I did and asked her to ask her doc for Xanax. We have the same strength but she is unable to take more than half a pill. I take the whole thing and I'm fine but if she takes more than half of a 25 mg pill she becomes very tired and has to sleep. But for me, it totally takes the edge off and allows me to think clearly and not worry so much.
I have been taking Xanax on and off for about a year and have not become addicted. I only take it when I absolutely need to; when I cannot seem to talk myself down. It was a real lifesaver for me during a year of constant stress and illness.
Last edited on Jan 17, 2010
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