Movies That Never Should Have Been Remade Review

I love movies, I really do. But the movie business is one I'm finding more and more depressing. It seems to me that the big studios are less interested in investing in new, fresh ideas, and more likley, these days, to put their money into "sure things" - remakes of successful old movies.

Now, I'm not totally against a remake - not if you have some new and different spin on an old idea...or if you can pay appropriate homage to something you respect and admire. Too often, though, Hollywood remakes are nothing more than sloppy, corner-cutting efforts to make a quick buck by putting a young, pretty face in a cut-rate version of a great original movie. Here, then, is my list of movies that never, ever should have been remade:

Planet of the Apes - The original POTA is a masterpiece of sci-fi and action. Forget about Charlton Heston's over-acting...it's a really great film that touches on so many themes that are important to us, today: the environment, man's cruelty to other species (and to one another), the cult of violence,  the dumbing down of society, the pliability of history. It's a brilliant film, with one of the most astounding final scenes of any movie, ever. I made the mistake of going to see the remake. What were they thinking? It was just awful. Besides the fact that the script was terrible, the acting was a joke, and the ape prosthesies made everyone look more like MIchael Jackson than like apes (I'd rather look like an ape) - the movie offered nothing new...and it glossed over most of the crucial themes of the original. Junk. Pure junk.

Rollerball - The original is one of my favorite movies from the 70s. The wonderful James Caan plays Jonathan, the world champ in a game created to be played between countries and to replace warfare.....a game that doesn't have room for individual champions. His individual success threatens to be his undoing, as the powers that be pressure him to leave the game and keep the status quo. Why remake this brilliant film? Oh, I guess they remade it so that they could forget about the important themes and present us with a violence-filled two hours of dreck. Well, I'm guessing it was two hours of dreck, because the 20 minutes I managed to sit through were certainly dreck-filled.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - What in the world is Tim Burton's problem? Who in the name of all that's sacred told him it would be a great idea to remake this movie, and to make the title character into a creepy, frightening ghoul? I have to give the make-up people props: it's pretty difficult ot make Johnny Depp look ugly, but they pulled it off. Again, he sort of looks like Jacko in this get-up. Tim Burton also made The Planet of the Apes remake...has he got some strange obsession with the Michael Jackson look?

Hairspray - I loved the original, and have seen it many, many times. I actualy didn't bother seeing the remake because, really, what's the point? It's not what I'd call an important film, and a remake seemed completely uncalled for. Besides, I'd much rather watch Divine than John Travolta.

Brian's Song - The original was a heartful story of male friendship that transcended professional competition, race, and different tempterments. It was also the movie that make grown men cry. Men like my dad. A really great movie when you need a good cry. James Caan and Billy Dee Williams were great together. I don't even like football and I Love this movie. The remake? A maudlin, cheap attempt at plucking the viewer's heartstrings. It doesn't work. The original was perfect the way it was - bad 70s clothing, and everything. The remake? Pure junk.

King Kong - The original still makes me feel like a little kid, full of wonder. Yeah, the special effects are out-dated, but it's so good! I've never understood why Peter jackson felt compelled to remake this classic. What's next - a remake of Star Wars? I mean...why? Just why? It's perfect, as is. The proof is in the pudding, even with Jackson's spectacular special effects, CGI, and a huge budget, his remake pales next the to original. If you don't want to kill Jack Black after watching him in this movie for ten minutes, I give you a lot of credit. Also, if anyone can tell me who thought Adrien Brody was romantic leading man material, I'm really curious. That person needs help!

The Hitcher - When the original, starring the great, creepy Rutger Hauer, was released, it was like nothing else fans of horror and suspense had ever seen. Really different. I don't mind saying this movie creeped me out beyond all belief. The idea of a serial killer playing hitchhiker and getting his ride to kill is just soooooo spooky. The thing with an original idea is, it's only original once. Once, people! Why remake this movie? No one needed more gore, and there was no way to make it more shocking. Once you've seen the french fry scene in the original Hitcher, the chances of being more shocked and disgusted pretty much go out the window.

It's a Wonderful Life - This is one of the best movies ever made, period. I'm, of course, referring to the original. Over the years there have been many, many attempts to remake this film in various forms. As a tv movie. As a soap opera story arc. As a sitcom episode. I don't get it. Why would anyone want to see a cheesy, poorly made copy, when the original is so simple and so perfect? I don't even like seeing this in its colorized version, and prefer to play my B&W dvd - that's how good the original product is.

The Wizard of Oz - Earlier this year, cables Sci-Fi channel made a big production out of promoting Tin Man...their modern take on The Wizard of Oz. I have to admit, I was curious. I really like Zoe Deschanel, who was chosen for the Dorothy part. So, yeah, I tuned in. After 40 minutes, I put myself out of my misery and tuned out. It was that bad. And I won't even go into The Wiz. Blasphemy! There's only one Wizard of Oz - complete with naive sets, little people, primitive special effects, and the scariest flying monkeys you'll ever see. And Judy Garland, for heaven's sake. There should be a moratorium on anyone else ever singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow, because only Judy made it her own.

Mr. Deeds Goes To Town - Who on earth decided what the world needed was Adam Sandler as the new, improved Deeds? Did someone watch the original and think that Gary Cooper just wasn't handsome, charming, likable enough? Or maybe they watched the original and decided that Frank Capra, that upstart, just didn't know how to make an interesting movie about a decent guy who couldn't be corrupted. Jeez. What a huge mistake it was to remake this movie. If you're even tempted...please don't give in to temptation. Just rush out and rent the original. You'll thank me.